"My execution is my debt paid, no longer will I live in fear, I'll never grow up. I'll never learn, I'll never know. They want their revenge and I want my redemption, my end brings them peace and my resolve. Meaning is endlessly vacant, something we will always crave but never truly satisfy. I am saved and I am redeemed."
Perhaps, your reappearance means nothing but it’s a word that you finally moved in a while, Likewise the world does, but I could not moved(myself) in an inch and I’m still not.
— Your moving is an indication that you’ve deserted all the wounds, I left in your heart. Maybe you’re healed and happy with your life too. But I couldn’t. Those scratches you left in my biological heart, indeed those are insightful. Yet black sea is murky and so does people’s depths of their heart too. Yet indeed they fall into it too.
Your restoration is a weird sign of termination of our bonds that we’d. And it’s telling me to let things go away.
Do you know what’s the most disappointing thing in human?- They always expect for happy ending. But what if mine is goofy?. Will you still read my ending?
What if, what you’re preferring and mine is exactly opposite of it?
What if, what you’re preferring is only sweet dream, but mine is harsher then the day light? Will you still read them(everything about life)?.
What if, what you’re preferring is only warm wind, but mine is “a sore throat”(cold), will you still read my ending?
What if, what you’re preferring is merely delusional but mine is reality, will you still read my them?
Do I have to be someone else for you, for your preferring or will you read me the way I am, Dear?.
Do I have to do it for the world to be noticed(notified) or just for to stay in our star’s world?
Do I always have to behave like a girl cause it’s my gender, or even behave like a human being is necessary?. Will I be even enough for you if I only write happy ending rather than sad ending? Will you still read them even if it’s fake, taken from someone’s life?
Then what’s about me? What’s about the situation that I am in now?. You want to neglect my sad feelings just to read happy ending, which someone else’s happy ending. You just don’t care about me, you just care what I can give you and capable of.
Did you ever accepted me the way I was? Or you just liked the way how I understood your all wrongs, all the time?.
You said you were afraid to go because you thought that you’ll spend the rest of your life regarding that, you leave me alone, but knowing you could no longer find me in someone else.
You were afraid that nothing in this world could make you happier the way I did.
I remember those words too well, cause they were my relieving words, knowing you love me the most. But years started to pass by and both of us drifted apart in such a twisted way that world never expected, that was coming from somewhere.
Everything flipped away and I was the one who was left out, here not knowing what to do rest of the life, when the plot twist, twisted you into something that you don’t know about. I was never been able to eradicate you out of my system. My body still recalls you, your warm touches, your soothing voice, and eyes that used to talk about me.
I was stupid enough that, I fell into your words and thought you’ll never leave me alone but yet you did. It was enough stupid of me, how I said you’ll find someone better than me, and yet, here l am making unreasonable thoughts, that you’ll come back again even after breaking my heart out from disappointments.
Maybe you were never really afraid to go. You were just afraid that nobody will love you the way I did. You only needed my love and that’s what I was very generous of when it comes to you.
You’re not afraid to leave, in fact it’s very obvious that you’re afraid to stay because you knew, soon enough you’ll ask something that’ll ended up emptying me.
I’ve written down ton of suicide notes from my own very thoughts. Everytime what I’ve written down as notes, the pen’s ink was my blood and mirror was my confession medium and pen was my bare fingers to write. Behind all the masterpieces output was stained tears that no one witnessed but my comfort room mirror does. You may think I’ve gone crazy. You may think that, this is nothing but some foolish act of heinous. Sometimes It is my escape route of feeling nothing but emptiness.
“: The blood was dropping like clock was ticking. Milky way(water) was rotating, so does my reflection of life. I drew my voice on a painting where I can see my reflection, broken but still tryin’ to smile even tho life had beaten me enough like there is no tomorrow to see, nor no tomorrow to live for. Sometimes things got beyond our capability to repair and so does life. But I’m still tryin’ to live and living for those who’ve valued me in life. And for those who still fighting for living.
I didn’t say goodbye to anyone, but never said I won’t say goodbye.
;You don’t need to fight back any noiseless systematic battle anymore that I brought upon you. You don’t need to being so cruel to yourself, you’ve hurt yourself enormously enough. You can forgive yourself saying ” You’re good enough ” rather than saying ” you’re not good enough “. Blame me rather than blaming yourself.
I was the one, who’s been said such cruel words from my mouth. I was the one who said ” All of this happening because of you “. I was the one who said everything without thinking any consequences of all these. Blame me for those cruel words I spit out without hesitation. Those thunderstorms you’ve gone through because of loving me, and your affection toward me, yet you did not screamed, you did not blamed me.
When you were with me always some misfortune happened to you, yet you did not blamed me but rather than blaming me you blamed yourself for being not good enough and you said to yourself ” Why am I like that “?.
Blame me, I took away your love home by my two bare bloody hands. These are those hands that had blood on it(hands). When I smell my hands, still I got that bloody smell.
Blame me for everything that happened to you.
Dear,
;Find the love you deserve, which I couldn’t give. You need to meet someone better than me and who can keep you more happy, that I wasn’t able to. It’s okay you can find a new home, which I took away from you. It’s okay you can find a new home so turn opposite(direction) of me. The path which wasn’t taken from the beginning. The path which you did not choose to. Please I want to see your twinkle smile on your face over again. You deserve to be happy over again. I just want you to be happy all the way again.
Oneday(random) I woke up from my sleep, I didn’t search for my coffee bean to make coffee for myself. I didn’t even carve for my cofferine yet I always needed my morning coffee. I stopped playing my playlist, whom I used to play. I deleted all my playlist songs alongside with some of photos in my gallery, those photos whom I used to care about. I stopped watering all the plants I had, until they looked like brownie. ; well it just I wanted them to be look like. I stopped talking to all those personnel whom I used talk about life. I stopped feeding all my aquarium fishes, whom I used to fed. I broke my kalimba because it got rusted. I drew the walls of my room by the picture of the waves. Cause it felt like peace and lonely as me. I tried everything but actually for nothing(to gain about). To be honest blurry vision, wandering of emotions and endless questions in range of experience. They all keep rushing on me, sneaking around and even in the darkness. I had no control but had to lose sense of control.
I’ve been in this cage of darkness for ages, more like as long as I can remember my life. The endless spin of hell and miserable faith, both are squishing me from the both side at the same time. It was started from the longest night but still running in the search of shortest night. It started but never ended.
Just trapped in this overwhelming tunnel of darkness with full of hopelessness and living the life full of imagination. The tunnel of hopelessness, it itself pitch black and endless loop without having any exit. There is nothing inside for you to see, but there is everything for you to feel. The tunnel it never had any leaks of light mile after mile, as far as your eyes can go. It has no window, no door just sole nothing — nothing but my weakling existence.
I don’t have any plan of waking up from this, cause even if I want to, I won’t be able to. I just write and write before I erase my hope of light(existence). I don’t blame you for anything. I don’t even blame myself anymore for anything. I don’t regret anything not even for my worst time. Actually don’t search me those bright places. Cause the light of hope(sun) is rejecting my existence. I’m just wondering in wandering everywhere, like I’m visible to me but not for others. My presence is absent, but looking at them it’s clarified everything that my presence is no longer needed anymore. Now ” I’m just fighting with my demon’s and slaying dragon after dragon, cause it’s for me not to be vanish from this world fighting(existence).
I would’ve consider it as my suicide note and left it to the graveyard. But it is not, it is for my sole purpose of taking back my vertical and horizontal existence.
People have asked me how I am giving myself the worst goodbye.
Then how about this!
Have you ever felt like, you’re moving slower then your God damn world is? Some people makes us slave in their life, and some people assassinate.
The conception of slavery, is the very core; we creature(humans) are the fabricator.
Sometimes music work like razer and sometimes as it work like aid. Sometimes people act like monstrous, and sometimes some people pet us like monstrous. Sometimes we live in the inception, and sometimes we live in the edge of the misconception.
I made people understand how I come up with a very deep ocean in my bedroom. How am I drowning in the bed of ocean, how bad swimmer I was in my own sea.
How odd it is, that sometimes the bottle of beer get empty faster than I could anticipated. The bottle of beer even got their habitat in staying in my hand, whenever I need.
But you know what melody!
It was my greed, that now I myself ended up being like this but I wish I didn’t.
I wrote for all who’ve hurted me before. I offered them broken melody and thousands of unspoken letters for my gratitude to being a burden in their life. I hammered every heartbeat, I make them fixable, even if it breaks again. Those agony, I kept them remain solidarity in deep backbone. I hammered pulse after pulse to windbreak my heartbeat, but those words did not reached them so my heart didnot healed.
I wrote for all who’ve hurted me before but except you. It’s cruel to save someone when the person is dying for eternaity. These is a thing, as it says “don’t save a dying creature, and don’t put them out of misery” yet nobody asked but you did. I witnessed many sunrise and sunset touching my bone neck while sitting in salty water with a bottle of beer, and; the water where it goes down, once there was a garden of remedy. There is a saying ; heartbreak could be lived with if it weren’t accompanied by regret, but I SWEAR, I NEVER TRIED TO WROTE FOR YOU. When the migraine was nameless and then so you are. Those bone you broke, it remain same after centuries, cause the healing potion yet to discover.
You were the reason why storms do take place on earth. But darling, I don’t regret anything. Those fingertips yet to demolish and so did the core of earth. Yet the stars are untangle but human are intangible. I did not see the big bang but those stars who were in me, I’ve seen them collusions inside me. I remembered the last collusion but above all (trust me) it was the last dimensional collusion happened inside of me.
“It’s a real hustle, you sure you want to quit your job at Harvard?”
That’s the response I usually got from family and friends when I talked about leaving my day job to become a full-time freelancer. So I put it off.
But after thee years as a smoking cessation counselor and researcher at Harvard Medical Center, I knew I needed to leave academia. The work was boring. The people were toxic. The egos were huge. And it never seemed like any of my patients ever quit smoking. They talk behind my back, they’re becoming very toxic after knowing it, that I’m an STRAIGHT. In the end I’d to quit the job.
For being like this it’s really hard to stay put in one place. After running for my career I got so much tired, in my mind why is it has to be like that? God created us not for any particular reason but we’re human that’s why God created us, then why we’re humans, dividing human by their categories? Now I wonder, when God created us if he divided us too as label “LGBT”.
People are toxic but they become more aware when they know there is a wrong among us. Everything start with a cold hearted look, those eyes are saying ” You’re an unnecessary being for this fuckin’ society “. They say for the sake of Bible, you’re unworthy. I’m just sick of this treatment.
Everyone deserves to be happy even tho you’re an inhuman? Yes!. God created us not with label as wrongful FETUS, but label as HUMAN. It’s the fact of human that they ignore us but it’s enough we have rights so go on, with loudly voice saying “WE’RE HUMANS, AND WE’RE NO DIFFERENT THEN YOU”.
A man is more dangerous then anyone when he has nothing to lose and nothing to gain about.
-Zayn.
I shot in his head. When I was pulling out my revolver, I was trembling, Cause I know what I did to him. THEN i pulled my trigger, his bloodshed was scattered all over the place. I needed to be sure that is he dead or not. I was moving toward him very slowly with my small steps. When I got closer, I held his hand i got no pulse from him. I thought he’s dead. So I ran away from that place. Sometime later, The light pole are shutting down one by one. So I got scared cause when those lights are getting extinguished, the road are getting more and more darker. Suddenly a car lighten up it’s headlight, so I got scared cause, a side road was dark and another side that car lighten up. I was trembling that moment. When that car came near by; in that moment I got some ominous vib’. After sensing, my nerves got more sharper then when I was about to run, when I move back, in that moment I saw his face appeared in from of me.
In That moment, I screamed as louder as I could but I couldn’t do that, cause my vocal got stopped. How much I tried to scream But my words were not coming out of my mouth. I went run a certain place but he reappeared again in front of me. This time either I can scream or run away, like my feet got stucked somewhere.
*in my mind* This time he got me for good. I saw a knife in his hand. He pushed me so I fell in the ground. I beg him for my life. I beg him for mercy many times. I cried cause I wanted to live, I beg for everything. But he didn’t reply. He came at me then he started stabbing me in my chest. He was stabbing me non stoppingly. He was stabbing me over and over again till I die. He stabbed me 78 times and ripped off my heart and he cuts it into many pieces. Then, He separated my head from my body. He pieces my body until he satisfied.
Then, he standed in a corner. And said,” you God damn bitch! You Raped my wife, then you killed her, who was my whole world for me, you took everything from me what I treasured, now look at you, you dead meat motherfucker! “. After saying that, He vanquish like he were a cloud.
Suckered night! 